In my absence from blogging I have been cheating myself out of this important outlet of self realization. Ironically, blogging is so powerful for me because I expect nearly no one to read it. There is a level of accountability for my words as they are public, however a limited amount of exposure allows me to communicate feelings that I don’t want to present to everyone I know. And yet communicating with a “Dear Diary” figure such as this is important to nail down thoughts, feelings and experiences. So here goes the latest in a lifetime of adventures.
I’ve spent at least a third of the last month in the hospital, and the remaining time at home in recovery. Long story short: appendix ruptured, emergency appendectomy, recovery, post-op infection, painful procedure, more hospital, recovery, flu. Yeah, the last one is just an added bonus for completing levels 1 and 2 of the game.
It’s been a very physically trying month, obviously, but I can’t underestimate the emotional strain this has all been on me. I was extremely blessed to have my parents with me in the worst moments, and the love and support of family and friends around the world, along with a few very special and touching visits. I never felt alone in spirit, which is very important, but it doesn’t always keep you from feeling lonely. I reach the point very quickly that I just want today to be over without having to live it. I long for it to be tomorrow, but for no other reason than I don’t want today anymore. I have spent the last month trying desperately to hide from the “real world” lest I be faced with the real feelings that I’m stuck with, such as real fear, loneliness, disappointment, hopelessness, doubt or confusion. We all know not to live hiding from ourselves, yet it’s easy to do when there are so many things out there designed to distract us from our own lives.
I like to think I’m in the last act of this physically painful saga, but I’ve learned not to talk with too much certainty. Until then I’ll appreciate every new movement I can make and every extra minute I can stay standing. And with Tito the elephant by my side to help get me through my bonus round flu (along with water, vitamin C and Tylenol) I’ll see if I can actually live these last few days of recovery.