Warning: This post may contain deep thoughts. Read at risk of encountering Angela’s dark side. But there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, no guarantees.
So the last few weeks I was enjoying a very well hosted (and well attended) pity party. The end of June through July had intense highs and lows emotionally with so few people being around. I enjoyed becoming friends with Pauli, but there were still moments of deep loneliness (for her as well) since we couldn’t spend every minute together. There was hope for August, but being sick left me isolated and weak. Being separated for 10 days from people here, I started realizing how far I really was from the people back home.
Now, no one needs to think I’m talking about them here, but in my emotional state, I got really frustrated that I don’t get many emails or calls here. Remember, my emotional thinking is often far separated from my logical thinking. All I could think while I was coughing up my lungs was “aren’t I worth talking to? Why can’t anyone put in any effort to talk to me?” Like I said, I’m really good at being pathetic. But after a while, my strong (but still emotional) side kicked in and said “If no one can put in the effort to talk to me, they’re not worth talking to anyways.” (Please forgive my obnoxious honesty here, like I said, I’m not talking about you) I’ll be honest, there’s something in me that desperately wants to be the most important person in someone’s life. And really, my frustration was exponential. The more I talked to a person when I was back in the States, the more frustrated I was to not talk to them here (especially with all sorts of modern communication devices available to us).
The other night, while I was going to bed, with a few tears on my pillow, I was listening to the book of Matthew (rock on, biblepodcast.org) and was on chapter 10 when I had to pause and feel like an idiot.
37″Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38 and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.”
Now while this may have been a bit stronger than what I was feeling, it had a ring of familiarity to it. And of course, in that moment I realized that in my moments of weakness I was doing exactly what I was accusing virtually everyone in my life of doing. I failed to value who I truly should. Yup, while I sat around sulking that no one called me, I failed to call on God who was sitting around hoping I’d “get online to chat.”
And for the record, once ‘logical thinking Angela’ kicked back in I remembered that I suck at keeping in touch with people. I’m pretty sure I never go out of my way to chat with the Australia Browns except for whenever they have a new baby. And Fawn only ever hears from me when I have a random grammar question when translating. Not to mention my dear friend Stephanie that gets mostly “here is a newspaper article that made me think of you” emails. And poor Catrina only gets the “I hate boys/I love boys” emails. And everyone else seems to get a ‘like’ on their facebook status from time to time. I’ll work on it, because honestly, I do miss the genuine connections that I have with those I cherish most dear. And yes, that includes God.